Bingo Horoscopes:

32 Red Bingo

Aries - The Year of the Sandpiper pecks at your nape. Does it dislodge parasites, or cause you to shout "Bingo!" before checking your work? Patience for games of chance may not suit your present mood. Watch for sixes and nines.

Gemini - Regardless of how hard you argue, Mrs. Harringbach will not change that number to a seven. Nor will she step outside with you, so put your earrings back on, and try to relax. Butting heads with the Bingo caller never won anyone anything. Bet it all on seven, and then do it again.

Taurus - Much like the economy, you've had your run. Sit back and play it cool for a while, but watch closely for opportunity to strike. If a one comes your way, it could make your day.

Cancer - It could just be a lump. Or it could be the spot on your body where your luck has coalesced into an awesome, albeit itchy and weeping, growth of tumescent luck. Getting pus on the dice was considered lucky in the Dark Ages, and you could roll blanks with your seepage. Go with a two, and put a Band Aid on it. Its not a toom-ah!

Leo - Rowr. That bitch at the next table needs to keep her eyes on her own card. I swear Leona, if she look this way again....Drinks before Bingo probably aren't in your best interest this week. You should know better by now. Get some coffee, take a shower, and just try not to do anything wrong.

Virgo - Girl, you've been holding out for a long time now, and this is your time to cash in. Whether its in the way that Lamont finally stopped talking back, or the way you got that nickel raise at work, the stars aligned in your ultimately mediocre favor: so, you won at Bingo, so what? You've got three kids! Bet on thirteens to keep holding you down.

Libra - Superficial Libra, nobody cares where you got those earrings. Cozying up to Mrs. Harringbach will not make those numbers pop out of her little Bolita tosser, not unless you paid her. Stay outta my way, and you'd best not take that card with all the three's.

Scorpio - Your tail has been poised to strike for some time now, Scorpio, and suddenly the world lies prone at your claws. Do you tear it limb from limb and inject it with the fury of your poison? Or play it cool, and bring your lucky Troll doll down to the VFW this Saturday? Carpe Diem, Scorpio. Carpe Diem.

Sagittarius - Seated alone, you cast a curious shadow in the Bingo hall. Its something between Darth Vader and a leper, though that nice Jenkins girl will come over and rub your feet for a quarter. A quarter! Why, time was a quarter would get your feet rubbed AND a happy ending....You should probably see about upping your meds, and ask about transportation services when you're at breakfast this morning.

Capricorn - If you can find another Capricorn to go with, Bingo isn't a bad option. The camaraderie alone will be worth the likely winnings, and this is one of those rare occasions in which the universe suggests that drinks before gaming will produce favorable results. Bring a pack of gum, and get those markers ready!

Aquarius - You enjoyed a short-lived ubiquity in 1967, but since that point, you've been in free-fall. Its notable that naked hippies, sporting pubic growth from hip-bone to hip-bone were your high point, this looks really, really bad. Take a bath, shave that thing and pretend like you care about your old grandmother for a minute. Don't bother playing, just play nice.

Pisces - Keep your head in the game this weekend, Pisces, and you might make like Free Willy over that seawall and take off with the combined expendable income of Terrace Pines Vista Trails Park Assisted Living Facility Seniors Retirement Center Phase One! That's like thirty-seven dollars sixty-two cents in change and small bills!